Crypto Trading Platform Says Owning Crypto Will Totally Fuck You

A crypto trading app amazingly claims that it has been discovered that being in cryptocurrency will give you a date.

In an article this week covering an investigation by the eToro trading platform, CNBC writes that “33% of Americans said they would be more likely to go on a date with someone who mentioned crypto assets in their online dating profile.” eToro is a trading app like Robinhood or Webull – you can buy traditional stocks on the app, sure, but cryptocurrencies are a big part of their product. Their tagline, on their website, is “crypto, stocks, and beyond.”

According to CNBC, citing eToro: “Almost three out of four would be more interested in a second date with someone who paid the bill in bitcoin.” This sentence could have ended two words earlier, I think, but hey!

the press release by eToro for this survey, which polled 2,000 US residents, claims that “over 40% of men and 25% of women indicated that their interest in a potential date is stronger when crypto is mentioned.” It also states that “nearly 20% of singles would be more romantically interested in you if you set this NFT as your profile picture on a social platform or dating site.” What the other 80% of respondents thought of the Twitter avatar change to the hexagons to show that they overpaid bad art is not mentioned in the press release.

A crypto trading platform showing how likely you are to have a girlfriend if you hold crypto looks a bit like Exxon Mobil solves the climate crisis, but I’m going to entertain the idea that for some people (I’m not the target market here, admittedly) it might be a draw. A spokesperson for eToro told Motherboard that the survey was commissioned from Appinio, a company that does market research. Appinio conducted the survey on January 3 and 4, 2022 and participants did not need to be eToro users.

The idea that owning cryptocurrency and NFTs is romantically attractive to anyone outside of the crypto-cultural bubble is already a lot of fun to me. Nothing says romance like a mangy and rotten cartoon monkey that could be stolen from you at any time by hackers. But the dirty aesthetic, endless scam, and creeping privatization of every inch of our digital lives aside, crypto has a long, well documented the story of sexism, even though women are in space doing remarkable and worthwhile things. That’s a lot of control from guys whose rooms look like this.

These days, it seems a movement claiming to represent the disruption of old systems of power has been largely overrun by people buying shitcoins and NFTs, including D-list celebritiescompanies and fraudsters; a long slide into hyper-capitalist absurdity that is aided by corporate media reprinting press releases about how diamond hands will fuck you. It got so bad that a lot of these things is considered unbearably cringe and undesirable even by hardcore Bitcoiners.

If you really want to impress a romantic partner this Valentine’s Day, Motherboard suggests jumping NFT of famous works of art that you don’t have, and have a run at the stupid little golden cube who was dumped in Central Park and transported to Wall Street ghouls by another crypto clown show.

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